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Here is where you will find the best quotes in TV and music, ever.

Television Quotes

Family Guy

Chris
: Hey dad why dont you invent the Frisbee thats a sweet toy?
Meg: They Frisbee has already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?

Meg
: Chris you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Well you're hogging up all the ugly!

Black Knight: Whats your fat ass doing here?
Guy on Donkey: Hes my only means of conveyance, but I guess I do spoil him.


Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one.

 

Stewie Griffin: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!

 

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

 

Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

 

Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

 

[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

 

Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!

 

Lois Griffin: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

 

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

 

Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

 

Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!

 

Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening!

 

Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

 

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, broccoli!

 

Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

 

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO"!
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

 

Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.

 

Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

 

Police Officer: Hey! That's Against the law! You're coming with me!
Peter Griffin: (singing to the tune of MC Hammer - U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah! Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me!
Cleveland: I believe it's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me!

 

Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ....Can't it be both?

 

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

 

Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

 

Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but...you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.

 

Peter Griffin: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think thats adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

 

Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

 

Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

 

[The Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God! George!
George: [After being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy!
Elroy: But...
George: GO TO YOUR ROOM! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken!
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry', I could've been killed!

 

[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Rea...Really?

 

[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

 

Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

 

Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.

 

Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?

 

Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

 

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.

 

Peter Griffin: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter Griffin: Well, you see, we're catholic. . .
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

 

Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".

 

Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat? A BOAT'S A BOAT, but the mystery box could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT. You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that happened ten minutes ago!

 

[While eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: OH! mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX!

 

Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?

 

[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

 

Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.

 

Stewie Griffin: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers!

 

[The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.]
Stewie Griffin: You! Cut my eggs!
[waiter cuts his eggs]

 

[At a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife! Don't say doing your wife!"] Doing your, uh, son...

 

Stewie Griffin: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!

 

[An extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?

Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass!

 

Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

 

Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.

 

Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

 

Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.

 

Peter Griffin: So what happened to the guy that stole the money?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I fell on him.
Peter Griffin: Sounds like you got some more competition at next year's Special People's Games. HehHehHehHehHeh.
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.

 

Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word! You have no right to use it!
Huck Griffin: Geez, I'm sorry. I didn't know.
[pause]
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Yes. Thank you.

 

Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike! Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?

 

Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.

 

[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No, no... nothing here adds up at all!

 

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!
[to Lois]
Stewie Griffin: And you, I just don't like you.

 

Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello,...Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone! Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn! 111-1112 Lois?! DAMN! 111-1113....

 

[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together.]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what..
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you!

 

Peter Griffin: Holy crap!...Did anyone else feel that?

 

Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

 

Glen Quagmire: The Griffins! Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. Alright!

 

Peter Griffin: I didn't even fart until I was 18.
[Flash back]
Peter Griffin: [Peter hears a farting sound]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I...I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter; you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks!

 

Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.

 

Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

 

[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?

 

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."

 

Diet Instiute Worker: Sir, you cant park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid!
Diet Instiute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Instiute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid!

 

Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny!

 

[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, does anyone wait to put an end to this nuisance.
[yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What?! You son of a-
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]

 

Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

 

Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?

 

Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes, it is.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day!

 

[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful! And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn!
Peter Griffin: Eh...yeah?

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do...do I hit 'im?

 

Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots...Joel!
Joel: I know, I know. I'm suing, I'm suing.

 

Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: I'll take care of her.

Stewie Griffin: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

 

Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

 

Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8 . . . and home by 11.

 

[Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Lois' Father: My jackets in there, please don't write on it!

 

Peter Griffin: So if I accidentally walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

 

[Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration]
Peter Griffin: Uh...my name is...
[he sees a pea]
Peter Griffin: Pea...
[he sees a woman crying]
Peter Griffin: ...tear...
[he sees a Griffin fly by]
Peter Griffin: ...Griffin. Peter Griffin.

 

Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god! Oh my god! I've got all these magazines! Oh god!

 

Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, I wanna use the sex box!
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box! And her name is Sony.

 

Pool Boy: I'm sorry sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Lois Griffin: This is my son.
Pool Boy: Oh, my apologies. Hey, Tom! He's not a van, he's just a fat kid!

 

Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
[Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it!

 

Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That.. That doesn't sound like good parenting.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and starts beating Peter] 

 

Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this?
Lois Griffin: Stewie that's tuna salad.
Stewie Griffin: Really?! I could have sworn it was cat food.

 

Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie@yahoo.com.

 

[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone.]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god! It's the Children of the Corn!

 

Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "Il Terrible"

 

Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans, I'll do it!

 

[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Oh my God! I'm so offended! I'm going to do something about this.
Spectator #2: Mike, there's not really anything you can do.
Spectator #1: Wow, you're right. I guess I'm just going to have to develop a sense of humor, huh?

 

Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.

 

Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you...you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.

 

Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room.
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell!

 

Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: What? I said runt.

 

Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that! Fat chicks need love too...but they got to pay.

 

[looking at whales]
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

 

Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

 

[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great! Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great! I haven't got a job in the world!

 

Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!

 

Stewie Griffin: You! Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal! You two, fight to the death!

 

Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

 

Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

 

Stewie Griffin: Oh, look at me! Look, my finger is in a very naughty place!
[Stewie's finger is in his nose]
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking to a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

 

Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

 

Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock!

 

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot!

 

William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.

 

Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois! That was the worst hot dog I ever ate!

 

[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes! Giggidy giggidy giggidy!

 

Lois Griffin: I hope you kids saved room for dessert.
Stewie Griffin: I hope you burn in hell!
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.

 

[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just cant walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.

 

Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch! Sonofabitch! Sonofabitch! See?

[Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria! I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.

 

Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

 

Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?

 

[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED!

 

[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

 

Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner. God's a pervert.

 

[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.

 

Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE!

 

[at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin: YEAH! I'm also addicted to boobies!

 

Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race! Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH! OOH! ME! ME!
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids! $1! Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK! OOH! OOH!

 

[the cable TV transmitter has been knocked out]
Tom Tucker: In other news, an accident caused the Quahog cable television transmitter to be knocked out, which will prevent broadcasting to the entire city. Actually, no can hear this, so it doesn't really matter what I say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'm going to get drunk and beat up some hookers. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
Director: Uh, guys, we're still on in Boston.

 

Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

 

Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go...straight to jail! HA! Now YOU got burned! ...No bail.

 

Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down at his crotch]

 

[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.

 

Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha! I'm gonna turn you into poo!

 

[at Peter's version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry. You need 15 tickets to live.

 

[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.

 

Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected!

 

[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.

 

Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did! You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!

 

Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: "Mr. T" by Mr. T. "T and Me" by George Poppard. "For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T" by Ving Rhames.
[shudders]

 

Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

 

Meg Griffin: Typical mom response.
Lois Griffin: Show off the goods. How's that for a typical mom response?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.

 

Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time! You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

 

[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes.....nickels and boobs......money.
[runs off]

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD!
[runs off crying]

 

[A fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Come, ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me.
[to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.

 

Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up!
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting!

 

Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable! Hey, Flappy! Good news! I've decided not to kill you!

 

Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.

 

[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.

[Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt! You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.

 

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

 

Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.

 

Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey! Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth!

 

Peter Griffin: We love the Bible in this house.
Francis Griffin: Really. What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Uhhhhh...the book where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the yellow hat has to take him to the hospital.

 

Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz!

 

Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

 

Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?

 

Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg! When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?

 

Meg Griffin: I cant stay in Chris's room the whole week! It smells like bad milk.
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up!

 

[Death holds up Peter's death certificate]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.

 

Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.

 

[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fajitas, please? Yeah, 6,000 chicken fajitas!
Brian Griffin: And a supersized McBiscuit, please?

 

Brian Griffin: I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog.
[to the bartender]
Brian Griffin: Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.

 

[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Glen Quagmire: Oh no! What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.

 

[watching a news report on TV]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.

 

Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score!
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score!
Charlie: Hey, your clock wont flush!

 

Peter Griffin: Gee, Lois, I hope that you don't do something stupid like buying that time share or realizing that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

 

[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.

 

Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo! AHHAHAHAHAHA!
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! you can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter Griffin: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall over, and make dirty calls to your sister.

 

Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond...James Bond. I'll do it!

 

Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing!
Peter Griffin: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad! Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is....
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is....
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: and Meg's real father's name is....
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.

 

Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.
Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get?
[really fast]
Peter Griffin: Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP!

 

[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie Griffin: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.

 

[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER!
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.

 

Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

 

Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!

 

[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me!

 

Lois Griffin: So he just left without saying anything?
Peter Griffin: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

 

Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off.
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!

 

Chris Griffon: Cheesy Charlie's is great! They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters! I win every time.

 

Chris Griffin: Dad, what would you say if I didn't want to be in the scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin: I'd say "come again?" and then I'd laugh because I said "CUM".

 

Peter Griffin: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter Griffin: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter Griffin: $60.
Brian Griffin: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.

 

Lois Griffin: We'll continue this talk after dinner. Women are not objects.
Peter Griffin: That's right, son, listen to what it says.

 

Meg Griffin: You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin: I'm not attracted to dad!
Meg Griffin: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.

Chris Griffin: OH!
Meg Griffin: Yipes.

Peter Griffin: I wander what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[flashback]
Fred: The killer jumped out of the bushes, gutted his victim, and then threw him in the river.
[Scooby jumps]
Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.

 

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

 

[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god! He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze!

 

Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

 

Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.

 

Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

 

Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown! Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy!

 

Peter Griffin: I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to hell]
Satan: We've got a live one! Peter Griffin!
Assisstant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.

 

[at a dog show]
Peter Griffin: Brian, come! Hey, don't you walk out on me!
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy! Heh heh, heh heh!

 

Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?

 

Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic!
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron!

 

Peter Griffin: Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer, you cant sue.

 

Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word that's not kitty. Try and guess.
Meg Griffin: Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin: AHHH! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

 

Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?

 

Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

 

Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake!
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

 

Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space!
[flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old daughter out into the woods for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry pedophile with you.

 

Lois Griffin: Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.

 

Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner!

 

[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing?
[pause]
Chris Griffin: Wow! I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.

 

Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.

 

Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.

 

Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis...as in my fantasy.
[pause]
Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.

 

Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming!

 

Tom Tucker: And now time for the Ollie weather report.
Ollie: It's gonna rain!
Tom Tucker: Thanks Ollie.

 

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me!
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.

 

Stewie Griffin: I love God! He's so deliciously evil!

 

[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head! Carol, push! Push!
Peter Griffin: I am! It won't go back in!

 

[Louis is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?

 

Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil! It's like something out of Stephen King!
[flashback]
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... is attacked... by a giant lamp monster!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?

 

[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here! Come on! Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?

 

Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.

 

Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll claw your fucking eyes out! Now who wants a cookie?
Stewie: I do! Ooh, keep talking. All this talk about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.

 

[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! It's a gay bar!

 

Peter Griffin: [To youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?
[The sound of the cult drinking cyanide, then collapsing]
Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.

 

Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.

[A grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death!

 

Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine!
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just--DEATH!

 

Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?

 

Peter Griffin: See? They covered the house in Teflon so that nothing sticks to it.
[the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin: Oh, I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
[Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin: Look at me! I'm nudes on ice!

 

Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet!

 

[Stewie picking his nose.]
Stewie Griffin: Do I not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid you're looking at someone who uses his tongue to clean his privates.

 

[Shamus has 4 wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.

 

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks!

 

Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... Tucker's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.

 

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

 

Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.

 

Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare! Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.

 

Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?

 

Girl: I'll have the escargot and a chablis.
Brian: [sighs] Same here. Escargot and a chablis.

 

Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?

 

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone!
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES!

 

Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

 

Peter Griffin: What the hell did you do?
Brian Griffin: ME? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who - someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his own family at serious risk.

 

Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.
[turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room! Meg take Stewie upstairs!
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.

 

[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot!
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

 

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

 

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?!
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

 

Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.

 

Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Stay out of here! Hey! You better not come in here! I'm the Griffin's house! Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!

 

Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not say "poop". Oh god! What have I done?

 

Lois: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.
[Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin: OW! OW! OW! OW! This hurts me more than it hurts you!

 

Lois: Kids, stop fighting or we wont go to McDonalds after church!
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you cant supersize.
Chris: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you cant blow on it.

 

Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jenny, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.

 

Quagmire: Hello there, cutie! How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first!
Girl: MOM!
Quagmire: I like where this is going.

 

Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[everyone gasps]
Brian: Too soon?

 

Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]

 

Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK!
[set turns into disco]

 

UPS Woman: Package for Mr. Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: Thank you.
[walks inside with it, returns naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you! Oh yeah!
[she maces him]
Quagmire: Heh he. I've developed an immunity to that stuff.

 

Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

South Park

[Kenny's family's dinner is a can of green beans.]
Mrs. McCormick: Does anybody have a can opener?
Mr. McCormick: Goddammit.

Phillip: Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance: They look like groundhogs.

 

Saddam Hussein: You're a journalist, right?
Scott: Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
Saddam Hussein: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott: Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not.

 

Scott: All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt, a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer": "Dr. O'Dwyer, time to have your head smashed in with my new hammer." Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God. J'accuse Terrance!

 

Terrance: Oh Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion: What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip: Because that's his name you stupid bitch.
Celine Dion: You told me your name was Handsome Bob.
Terrance: Look at him Celine Dion.
[Terrance removes the bag from Bob's head and Celine screams]
Phillip: Behold, his horrible face.
Celine Dion: Oh my God, he's heinously ugly, and I am pregnant with his child!
Terrance: What?? Noooooo!
Celine Dion: I'm going to have a freak-baby!
Phillip: Oh, the humanity!

 

Terrance: Wow, Scott really hates us Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
[Silence]
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?

 

[Scott is motioning peculiarly at Terrance and Phillip]
Phillip: What are you doing Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: That's right, I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance: Ah, stop that.
[Terrance hides behind Phillip]
Phillip: Hey, don't give me cancer.

 

Phillip: Oh, hello Scott. No hard feelings, right old pal?
Scott: There are hard feelings, this isn't over. I'm going to see to it that you both pay for what you've done. And do you know why?
Phillip: 'Cause you're a dick?
Scott: No, because I hate you. You think farting is soo funny, well it isn't! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I...
[Terrance farts]

 

Mr. Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

 

Trey Parker: You know, when Comedy Central asked us to do a Thanksgiving episode, the first thought that went through my mind was, "Boy, I'd like to have sex with Jennifer Aniston."

 

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

 

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because you get to make a lot of money and don't have to hang out with poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

 

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.
[everyone realizes there isn't enough room to move]
Stan: Well?
Cartman: I will, just give me a minute.

 

Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled boys, someone's going to make love to this chicken any second now.

 

Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

 

Jimbo: It is coming right for us.

 

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye!

 

Mr. Garrison: No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people.

 

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "Hey! Why don't you stop... dressing me up like a mailman... a-and making me dance for you... while you go and... smoke crack in your bedroom... and have sex with... some guy... I don't even know! On my dad's bed!"
[Long pause]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

 

Chef: [singing] Say everybody have you seen my balls/They're big and salty and brown./If you ever need a quick pick-me-up./Just put my balls in your mouth./Ooh, suck on my chocolate salty balls (Stick 'em in your mouth)/Put 'em in your mouth and you suck 'em and you suck 'em.

 

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

 

Ned: Are fireworks illegal in Mexico?
Jimbo: Everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.

 

Cartman: I love you guys... eh, screw you guys.

 

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, pretend for just a minute that we had a competent law officer in our town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: That's a good question ma'am. Let me get right on that... with thinking.

 

Stan: You guys, I'm getting that John Ellway football helmet for Christmas.
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.

 

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass!

 

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

 

Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking.

 

Football Commentator: Oh, I've haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!

 

Football Commentator: Oh I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!

 

Kyle: Hey Stan. Did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan: Yeah. It was huge.
Cartman: Eh. I hate those things.
Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan: Yeah. What's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman: Well, you know. You'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come marching in, and crawl up your leg, and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like, "Hey! Get out of my ass you stupid rainbows!"
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows. I hate those friggin' things!
Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up after a rainstorm.
Cartman: Oh. RainBOWS. Yeah, I like those. Those are cool.
Stan: What were you talking about?
Cartman: Huh? Oh nothing. Forget it.
Kyle: No. What marches in, crawls up your leg---
Cartman: Nothing.
Kyle: ---and starts biting the inside of your ass?
Cartman: Nothing!

 

[about Osama bin Laden]
Cartman: Tastes just like chicken...the ass of the chicken.

 

Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.

 

Grandpa: What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.

 

Mr. Garrison: Well spank my ass and call me "Charlie", it looks like we have two A

 

Stan: Shut up, you sweaty mongoloid. You never get above a D!

 

Cartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog!

 

Eric Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, EH! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie! Eh, woman, you shut your mouth, and make babies!

 

Fat Abbott: You think you're so dope you punk-ass bitch. I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week. I'll bust a cop in your motherf****** ass.

 

[Teaching the children about genetic engineering]
Mr. Garrison: Genetic engineering is a way to fix God's horrible mistakes, like German people.

 

[Stan's report on "Asian Culture."]
Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it.

 

Chef: You've got to hold the football like you would hold your lover. Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh, yes. Just like making sweet love to the football. Be naughty with the football. Mmmm, spank it. Ever so gently. Spank it. Oh, uh, sorry, children.

 

Jimbo: Uh-oh.
Chef: You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way, or special in an extra value meal at Happy Burger way. No, no, no, no, no. I mean special, like the song of a hummingbird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.
[sings]
Chef: Oh Kathie Lee / How I'd love to lay you down / And lick every inch of your body with my tongue. / Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy. / How 'bout you and me get it together and make sweet love?

 

Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] oh my god we killed Kenny
Kyle: WE KILLED KENNY?
Stan: Yup. we're bastards.

 

Stan: Oh my god! Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode!

 

Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty, this is my pot pie.
Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty! Get back, kitty!
Kitty: Meow?
Cartman: No, kitty, it's my pot pie! Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Cartman's Mom: Well, then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight!
Cartman: What?

 

[Addressing an alien spacecraft.]
Chef: Hey, down here! We are ready for your wisdom! And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on!

 

Teacher: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass!
Stan: That's impossible! Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!
Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!

 

[Describing "Scuzzlebutt."]
Cartman: And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but... Patrick Duffy.

 

Geraldo Rivera: Obesity. Adiposity. Corpulence. Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: being a big fatass.

 

Cartman: This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up, and I'm lookin' totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcake!

 

Cartman: Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!

 

Chinese broadcaster: They won't have any trouble seeing the ball, with their BIG American eyes!

 

[At a psychiatrist's office. Mr. Garrison's hand puppet, Mr. Hat, is missing.]
Mr.Garrison: At first I was sure one of the children took him. But then I remembered Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.
Dr. Katz: Um... are you gay?
Mr.Garrison: WHAT?
Dr. Katz: It's just a question.
Mr.Garrison: ARE YOU PROPOSITIONING ME?
Dr. Katz: No.
Mr.Garrison: WELL, I CAN TELL YOU THAT I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT GAY!
Dr. Katz: Well, I believe you. I absolutely believe you.
Mr.Garrison: Mr. Hat, on the other hand...
Dr. Katz: Mr. Hat was gay?
Mr.Garrison: Sometimes he fantasizes about things of sexual natures.
Dr. Katz: I see.
Mr.Garrison: Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre and a bottle of Thousand Island Dressing.
Dr. Katz: That I did not need to know!
Mr.Garrison: Well, I'm just saying.
Dr. Katz: Mr. Garrison, I think Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it is YOU who is gay. But, you're in denial, so you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.
[long pause]
Dr. Katz: What do you think about that?
Mr. Garrison: I THINK YOU'RE THE LOONY ONE IN THIS ROOM!

 

Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass.

 

Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle! Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.

 

Eric Cartman: I bet I'm going to get more candy than you.
Kyle: No you're not.
Eric Cartman: Yes I am because I'm the Candy Master!
Kyle: No, you're the Ass Master. There's a difference.

 

Eric Cartman: I got my period!

 

Kyle: Wow, that's a lot of seamen Cartman!
Eric Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is; the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it! He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!

 

Priest: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.

 

[About Jews.]
Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?

 

Kyle: You see, Kyle, there are certain rules and laws that tell us what we can and cannot say in the workplace, and what we can and cannot do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that just fascism?
Kyle: No, 'cause we don't call it fascism.

 

Chief Runningwater: You mother is what we Native Americans refer to as "Bear With WIIIIIIDE Canyon."
Eric Cartman: What do you mean?
Chief Runningwater: She is "Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together."
Eric Cartman: Huh?
Chief Runningwater: Your mom's a slut.

 

Stan: [on the phone] Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?....Oh.
Cartman: What did she say?
Stan: Shut up, Buttpirate, I'm trying to hear!
Cartman: Assrammer.

 

Stan: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah; we want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Eric Cartman: When do we get the sports watch?
Stan: [annoyed] Just a second, fatass!
Eric Cartman: You Vas Defrens!
Stan: [continuing] Hello? No, it's a ma-
[he pauses]
Stan: Vas Defrens?
Kenny: [mumbles something, possibly about "peepee"]
Stan: Oh.

 

Stan: You're my super best friend, Kyle!
Kyle: You're my super best friend, Stan!
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. You two want to get a room so you can make out for a while?
[Both Stan and Kyle take turns kicking Cartman]

 

[Watching an elephant have sex with a pig]
Chef: Now I know how all those white women must have felt.

 

Kyle: Damn it, Cartman! You have such a big fat ass, when people walk down the street they say, 'God *damn* that's a big fat ass!"
Man: God *damn* that's a big fat ass!

 

Wendy: [singing] Mrs. Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok / Mr. Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big / cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit / and I don't want my breakfast because it tastes like / shitzus make good house pets, they're cuddly and sweet / monkeys aren't good to have 'cause they like to beat their / meeting in the office, or meeting in the hall / the boss he wants to see you, so you can suck his / Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt / Mrs. Roberts doesn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a / contaminated water can really make you sick / your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your / dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck / and if you all don't like it I don't give a flying
[bleep]

 

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

 

Cartman: "Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

 

Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.

 

Cartman: Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian!

Mr. Garrison: Well, well, well. Guess we learned something new about you Jimbo, ya frickin' fag. You wanna go and make out or something?

 

Stan: Yeah well, I'll kick your ass so hard you'll wish you...never had it...to begin with! Your ass, I mean.

 

Mr. Garrison: Who knows what a can food drive is?
Eric Cartman: Isn't that where they cut open a chick's stomach to get the baby out?
Mr. Garrison: No that's a caesarian section, Eric, but remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

 

Timmy: TIMAH!

 

[Investigating a cattle mutilation]
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.

 

Bartender: Now, I don't want any trouble.
Sexual Harassment Panda: I get the point. I know when I'm not wanted. I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots!
Bartender: God Damn it, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here, you gotta go flappin' your jaw!

 

Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm!
Stan: You can say that agian, Kenny!
Kenny: MMffm mmfmm mmmfmmm!

 

[Cartman's favorite "psalm"]
Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

 

Uncle Jimbob: C'mon Ned! We have to get our asses to the bookie!

 

Mrs. Broflovski: WhatwhatWHAT??

 

Mr. Hankey: Hidey Ho!

 

[the kids are skiing]
Thumper the Ski Instructor: OK little dude on the left what's your name?
Ike Broflovski: IIIIIIIIKE!
Thumper the Ski Instructor: OK, Mike. Ski down to me.

 

Cartman: Gentleman, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. God has finally spoken to me guys, and he has told me how I can make Ten million dollars.
Stan: How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy Band.
Stan: I'm not being in any faggy boy band
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about ten million dollars asshole!

 

Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle. I said SHIT. On TELEVISION.

 

Cartman: Hey! Who's screwing with the lights?
Voiceover: Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Jimbo? Or Officer Barbrady? Or Mr. Garrison?
Cartman: That is really startin' to piss me off!

 

Cartman: CRIPPLEFIGHT!

 

Cartman: Kyle, you are being a Negative Nancy!

 

Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?

 

Bebe: Having boobs sucks!

 

Eric Cartman: You seem a little irritable Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!

 

[Barbrady is asked to solve a legal problem]
Officer Barbrady: Hey, I just thought of something! No, wait, that's subtraction.

 

Kyle: Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God!

 

Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel!

 

Towelie: Wanna get high?

 

Stan: Holy crap! Wendy wants to meet me at stark's pond after school today!
Kyle: Wow! Maybe you can kiss her!
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny starts laughing]

 

Cartman: Respect my authoritah!

 

Chef's Father: Dammit, monster, I ain't givin you no tree fiddy!

 

Stan: Maybe you have brain cancer!
Eric Cartman: You think so??

 

Cartman: Never underestimate the power of a free hat.

 

Cartman: Not all of us believes in God. We're not getting to heaven because of a certain J-O-O.
Kyle: We are not getting to heaven just because I'm a jew!

 

God: Saddam, I've been hearing rumors that you're building nuclear weapons up here.
Saddam Husein: No, God, I'm building a chocolate chip factory.

 

[kids are learning how to ski]
Ike: Pizza. French fries. Pizza. French fries. French FRIIIEEESSS!
[crashes into a cabin]
Thumper, the Ski Instructor: You french fried when you should have pizzad. If you french fry instead of pizza, you wouldn't have any fun.

 

Cartman: Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?

 

Pip: Eric, I didn't get an invitation!
Eric Cartman: Hmm, what could I have done with Pip's invitation? Pip's invitation..Pip's invitation...Oh, I remember! I shoved it up my ass! That's right! I wrote it up, put in an envelope, sealed it, and
[bloop]
Eric Cartman: shoved it right up my ass!

 

Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but i think maybe we're not seeing heaven is because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of bubblegum forrest. you only see them if you really believe it them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe where not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O?
[pause]
Kyle: What does me being a jew have to do with anything?

 

Big Gay Al: Me...kicked...out of Scouts?

 

John Edwards: But I'm a psychic.
Stan: No dude, your a douche.
John Edwards: I'm not a douche! What if Ireally believe dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then your a stupid douche.

 

Eric Cartman: I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened!
Eric Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
[Last line]
Eric Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch!

 

Underpants Gnome: Red sleigh down...red sleigh down!

 

Cartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

 

Gerald Brofloski: You see son, fads come and go. And this "Chinpokomon" is nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it! In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad because I'm an individual!" Do you understand?
Kyle: Yes, yes I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.
Gerald Brofloski: Hmm... good point. Here's ten dollars.

 

[The boys are outside building a snowman]
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?

 

Eric Cartman: You guys are hella stupid!
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Eric Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why!

 

Timmy: GOBBLES!

 

Eric Cartman: Oh sweet! The "Life-Sized Blow-up Antonio Banderas Love Doll!" What a cool Christmas present!

 

Stan: Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!
Eric Cartman: God damn it, my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!

 

Mrs. Tweek: Oh hello, son. How was your day?
Tweek: DAAAAGH!
Mrs. Tweek: That's good.

 

Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
Mr. Garrison: Eric! If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.
[beat]
Eric Cartman: Bitch.
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you-
Eric Cartman: I'm going!

 

Death Camp Guard: [Nazi voice] Here, you vill be subjected to veeks of torture.
Mr. Slave: Ooh, I think I'm gonna like that!

 

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat's not here any more. Your principal said fourth graders are too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Two year olds are too old for Mr. Hat.

 

Fat Abbott: Hey Hey, what's shakin' Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbott. You need to lose weight!
Fat Abbott: I lose weight when I feel like it bitch. Shut your bitch ass mouth, ho!

 

Stan: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!

Fat Abbott: Your like school in summer time.
Rudy: School in summer time?
Fat Abbott: Yeah bitch school in summer time! Open your fuckin ears!

 

Mr. Garrison: If dolphins are so smart, how come they live in igloos?

 

Chef: I've seen this kind of thing before! It's the living dead! Observe.
[pulls a patient's arm off]
Eye Doctor: Mr. Phillips was in here for a routine exam.

 

[Repeated line.]
Stan: Dude, this is pretty
[bleep]
Stan: ed up right here.

 

Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

 

Grandpa: You can kill me, can't you?
Eric Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
Eric Cartman: What?
Grandpa: That's right.
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too.
Eric Cartman: Eh!
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma.
Eric Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby.

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Stan: I said "we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.

 

Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.

 

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

 

Cartman: See, this is what we call a $6.99 buffet. Everyone comes here on Friday nights. Except for Kenny's family because for him, $6.99 is two year's income.

 

Cartman: Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.

 

Mr. Slave: Oooh, Jesuth Christht!

 

Cartman: This book was pretty good. I give it a B-.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, now sit down.
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch!

 

Cartman: Kyle, if I didn't have some guy's hand up my ass, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts!

 

Santa Claus: [After gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.

 

Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven, that's fuckin' stupid.

 

Cartman: Shut up, you guys. She said she was young and needed the money.
Kyle: Dude, those pictures were taken last month.

 

Cartman: I'm bulking up!
Stan: To what? Fat ass?
Kyle: Super fat ass?

 

Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you.

 

[The boys are arguing about Chef's new girlfriend]
Stan: Wait, you guys. Maybe... is it possible... that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new?
[Silence]
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: Yeah, screw that bitch!

 

Big Gay Al: Say, are you parents gonna stand around here all night? This meeting is for scouts only you silly gooses!

 

Kyle: I hate this town... I really, really do.

 

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Slave, did you finish taking attendance?
Mr. Slave: All done-sy wun-sy!

 

Officer Barbrady: Any questions?
Chef: That's biggest piece of cah cah many bull-spit I've ever heard.
Officer Barbrady: that's enough out of you wise guy.

 

Sexual Harassment Panda: That makes me a saaaaaaaaad panda.

 

Mr. Garrison: [returning from the bathroom] I must have caught the flu from Kenny. I've got the green apple splatters.

 

Nurse Gollum: This is strange.
Mr. Mackey: Nurse, for someone with a dead fetus on their head, you're not being very open-minded.

 

Satan: Sadaam! But...I killed you.
Sadaam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?

 

Cartman: Kyle, they're going to say "shit" on television!
Kyle: I don't give a fuck.

 

Cartman: I just can't take it anymore, you guys. All the dancing, singing, the late night parties... the Ben Affleck splooge... it has to stop.

 

[driving through San Jose, Costa Rica]
Eric Cartman: Oh my God, it smells like ass out here!
Miss Stevens: Alright, that does it! Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!
Eric Cartman: I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Miss Stevens: You may think that making fun of third-world countries is funny but let me...
Eric Cartman: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!

 

[After feeding Scott Tenorman his parents]
Eric Cartman: Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah!

 

Mr. Garrison: Well at least we got rid of those damn nig--
[cuts to closing credits]

 

Stan: What does "fingerbang" mean, anyway?
Cartman: I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you pretend to use your finger like it's a gun or something.
[Kenny mumbles]
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: All right, Kenny. What does it mean?
[Kenny mumbles]
Cartman: Ugh! That's sick! Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

 

Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.

 

Substitue: That's a very nice cucumber, Kenny. Thank you.
Kenny: [laughing]

 

Towelie: [to Cartman] Don't preach to me, fatso!

 

Terrance: I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
[doorbell rings]
Delivery Man: Special delivery for Terrance.
Philip: I'll take that.
Delivery Man: Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here....and here.
Philip: Oh Terrance, you got a letter!
Terrance: Shiver me timbers Philip! At this rate I'll never get to my craft dinner!

 

Future Cartman: I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food, you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol an you become CEO of your own time travel company!

 

Eric Cartman: Oh, wow! Really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful.

 

Mr. Garrison: Recently I came out and admitted I was a homosexual so now I can say the word "Fag". On television, they usually don't allow "fag", but since I'm gay, it's okay. And with the new approval of the word "shit", I can now say: "Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?"

 

Mr. Garrison: Now when I want you to hand in your work, I'll say, "Hand in your shit".
Fillmore: What about, "I have to take a shit"?
Mr. Garrison: No, Fillmore! You can say, "I have to poop and shit", or, "Oh shit, I have to poop", but not "I have to take a shit"!
Chief Runswithpremise: We'll give them...Blankets. But what they won't know is that these blankets will be infected with SARS. Now, everybody rub a Chinese person on the blankets.

 

Man #1: Oh shit, you look like shit.
Man #2: Shit, I feel like shit.

 

Man #1: [After a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny!
Man #2: You bastard.

 

Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

 

Cartman: Guess what I have in my backyard?
Stan: A pool?
Cartman: Better!
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better!
Kenny: A fucking machine?
Cartman: Better!

 

Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now where poor like Kenny's family
[Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]
Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.

 

Kyle: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well, Boys, it's "aboot" time we get back to our "hoose" in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddam Canadian and neither are you!
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

 

Home-schooled kid: And, papa, I know you have tried to keep your daughter away from anything sexual, but look at her now: she's a goddamn whore!

 

Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money! I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this! Oh, Kyle's money!

 

Chef: Try my newest concoction, I Just Went And Fuged Your Mama!
Cartman: Boy, he sure ran that into the ground.

 

[on the kindergarten class president election]
Mr. Garrison: You can't have an election with just one person running, what's the fun in that? Ike, how about you? You're a genius.
[Ike looks at the others glaring at him]
Ike: No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our next nominee is Ike the Genius.

Mr. Garrison: Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Eric Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank Barone: I tried nice once. Didn't care for it.
Marie Barone: Is that what happened to smart?

 

Ray Barone: Men don't like to cuddle. We only like it if it leads to... you know... lower cuddling.

 

Robert Barone: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.

 

[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.

 

Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.

 

Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I'll be gone!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!

 

Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.

 

Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled pieces of string too small to use.

 

Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.

 

Ray Barone: She had that look like Mom did when we were kids and she caught us eating that whole box of Sucrets, remember?
Robert Barone: Yeah, my tongue was numb for a month.
Ray Barone: Remember, Mom thought we were drug addicts. She said, That's how it starts.

 

Ray Barone: All right Ally, you have to do what Mommy says.
Ally Barone: Why?
Ray Barone: `Cause I do.

 

Ray Barone: It's like getting into a hot bath. You know, at first, you don't think you can take it. But then, you know, once you get all your luggage in it's not that bad.

 

Marie Barone: What is a DVD player? Is it for pornography?
Debra Barone: Yes, Marie, I bought Ray a porn machine!
Marie Barone: I don't like that Debra.

 

Debra Barone: A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
Marie Barone: You know who says that? A messy person.

 

Robert Barone: When I was married to Joanne she wanted time alone. She used it to pack up and move out.
Marie Barone: Raymond, whatever happens, you and I are keeping the children.

 

Frank Barone: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Peaches.

 

[After the twins have knocked his golf clubs down the stairs.]
Ray Barone: Yeah... you won't be smiling when we send you a postcard from Disneyland.

 

[Ray is trying to seem manly to a friend.]
Ray Barone: [to Debra] Let's try and get it spot free. This isn't like at home where I let that stuff slide.

 

Ray Barone: You know, we make a pretty good team together, your availability and my attractiveness.
Robert Barone: Yeah, it's like Robert-Raymond.
Ray Barone: No, it's Raybert.

 

Ray Barone: I can't believe you're still living with them. If it was me I'd be cleaning off my fingerprints and rehearsing my 9-1-1 call.

 

Ray Barone: Uhh. It smells like a skunk that came out of the ass of another skunk.

 

Debra Barone: Honey, show daddy what you drew.
Ray Barone: That's okay, I can figure it out.
[Ally hands Ray a drawing]
Ray Barone: Um, lets see. A big wall of red?
Ally Barone: No.
Debra Barone: Ally told me that was a picture of you in hell.

 

Ray Barone: This coming from the guy who once threw his shoe at a swan.
Frank Barone: It's called protecting your sandwich!

 

Frank Barone: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Marie...Canole

 

Ray Barone: When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel.

 

Marie Barone: You've read the Bible, Frank?
Frank Barone: I've read plenty of damn bibles!

 

Frank Barone: I could have eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview!

 

Ray Barone: I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.

 

Ray Barone: You can't create fate cause then its not fate, its voodoo.

 

Debra Barone: You know what, I'm tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?

 

Robert Barone: Three women, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Ray Barone: You do a dance, you gigantic, lucky bastard.

 

Debra Barone: Ray, don't you say one more word or I'm gonna send your mother back in here to smack the crap out of you.

 

Debra Barone: I'm crying cause I'm married to an insensitive dirfwad who instead of trying to make life better for his wife tape-records her to prove she's a terrible person.
Ray Barone: What's a dirfwad?

 

Debra Barone: Layman, Gayman go away man!
Ray Barone: BULLY!! BULLY!!
Debra Barone: Oh, relax.
Ray Barone: Debra, Debra, Lovely Wife why am I stuck with you for life!

 

Marie Barone: Well I think it's sad when people start having surgery to make themselves bigger.
Frank Barone: Marie did it the natural way. Pound cake!
Frank Barone: Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies.
Ray Barone: Who the guys you swim naked with?
Frank Barone: That's lodge policy!

 

Marie Barone: He hates it when I cry. It reminds him of our wedding night.

 

Marie Barone: Your father, his idea of culture is an undershirt with sleeves.

 

Ray Barone: When I dance, people think I'm looking for my keys.

 

Frank Barone: You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass.

 

Robert Barone: I'm a cop and live with my parents. I'm on a constant diet of human suffering.

 

Ray Barone: That's the restaurant where the crazy old Chinese lady yells at you while you're leaving, right?
Debra Barone: You know what she's yelling, right?
Ray Barone: Yeah, 'habanadah!'
Debra Barone: She's saying 'have a nice day.'
Ray Barone: Oh.
[Pause]
Ray Barone: Well, maybe she isn't crazy.

 

Frank Barone: 'Luck' is the residue of good planning.

 

Frank Barone: Holy crap!

 

Debra Barone: Ok, you know what? I'm tired of this. I'd rather be normal than this.
[imitates Marie]
Debra Barone: Ooh, dear how are you. Frosting in a can, so much easier than homemade. Look in that refrigerator. Whoa, smells like there wasn't anything good in here for a while.
[imitates Frank]
Debra Barone: Time for desert. Holy crap. I'm not listening anymore, doo dah, doo dah...
[imitates Robert]
Debra Barone: Oh, everything's turning out perfect for Raymond.
[increasingly frustrated]
Debra Barone: Oh, lucky Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. EVERYBODY loves Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES Raymond. EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND!
[everybody laughs]
Robert Barone: Do me, now.

 

Frank Barone: What in the holy name of crap are you talking about?!

 

[Ray buys Deborah a sex game]
Marie Barone: Another sex game? Didn't you have enough with that other sex game you and Robert used to play all the time when you were kids?
Ray Barone: What?
Marie Barone: You know, the one with all the colored squares...
Ray Barone: TWISTER?!

 

Marie Barone: Frank do you love me?!
Frank Barone: YOU STILL NEED REASSURANCE, AFTER 45 YEARS OF BONDAGE?!

 

[Robert has escaped from a woman, by climbing out of her window]
Marie Barone: Why did you do that?
Robert Barone: She eats insects!
Marie Barone: But, why did you climb out her window?
Frank Barone: Hey, that's a very convenient way to get away from a dangerous woman. I mean, if your mother's apartment had been a couple of floors lower, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

 

[About Debra's dad's new girlfriend]
Ray Barone: Well, usually guys his age go for younger women. Instead of going for somebody younger he went for somebody different.
Debra Barone: Ray!
Ray Barone: I meant... No! I mean, I always say the opposite phrases of what I say. Like, just this morning I told Debra "I'm soup, can I get some hungry?"
[laughs nervously]
Ray Barone: [Debra's mom leaves, Debra looks at Ray menacingly and goes after her mother]
Ray Barone: Oh, man...
Frank Barone: Kill is going to Debra you.

 

Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
Frank Barone: Yeah, one time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.
Ray Barone: Really?
Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine, that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking, that's something... special. And, I figured, she was only gonna cook like that for me. So, I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights off of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
Ray Barone: Wow, dad, I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.
Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
Ray Barone: How come?
Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.

 

Frank Barone: Chuck Pacarello? Where the hell is he? The son of a bitch is serving my life sentence!

 

Bernie: Will you look at her? Oh, my god. If I wasn't married, you know what I'd do?
Ray Barone: Wear the same underwear every day?

 

[Marie thinks Ray might have an affair]
Debra Barone: Marie, I'm not worried. I trust Ray.
Marie Barone: Oh, I'm not worried about Raymond either, dear. I'm worried about that pizza parlor putana!

 

Debra Barone: We got to find a way to get away from your parents.
Ray Barone: I got the perfect solution- the witness protection program.
Debra Barone: Ray, I'm serious.
Ray Barone: So am I. Let see them try to find Steve and Phyllis Rosenberg in Tucson, Arizona.

 

Debra Barone: We have to invite your parents. It's like when the Russians boycotted the Olympics. It diminished the whole event.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but you're forgetting one thing. When the Russians boycotted, we won everything.

 

Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!

 

Debra Barone: Dr. Laura thought I was boring.
Ray Barone: You're not boring, you're normal. Living in my house, I prayed for normal. Then, I had to fall asleep to the sound of my brother naming his toes. There was 'Fat Tony', 'Danny the Weasel' and 'Billy Stretch and Tastes Bad'.

 

[Ray is taking parenting classes]
Ray Barone: Hey, Ma, did you change the twins' pajamas?
Marie Barone: Yeah, I left them here. I wanted to get some of the old stains out.
Ray Barone: We have a washing machine, Ma.
Marie Barone: Some of those stubborn stains need special treatment.
Frank Barone: Why don't you take a class for THAT? I got grand-parenting class at 3. Today's lessons are "Blow my nose" and "Pull my finger".
[laughs]
Ray Barone: Yeah, while you're there, don't miss the seminar about moving to Florida.

 

Ray Barone: [after talking to his parents] You know, it's amazing I can function at all.

 

Ray Barone: Shouldn't you be yelling at me, or something?
Debra Barone: Ray, when you're on the Titanic you lower the lifeboats. You don't stop to yell at the iceberg.

 

Frank Barone: [to Ray] You're even dumber than I tell people.

 

[Somebody wrote "Ray stinks" on Ray's fridge]
Ray Barone: I knew it! It's that damn Spencer kid!
Robert Barone: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not jump to conclusions. It could've been somebody else.
Ray Barone: Well, did you write it?
Robert Barone: No. But, it could've been the twins.
Ray Barone: No, if it was them, they would've wrote "Daddy Stinks". Was it you, dad?
Frank Barone: If it was me, I wouldn't have written "Ray STINKS".

 

[Frank is eating lasagna from the platter]
Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing?! You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it!
Frank Barone: That's all I have to do?! In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too!
Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey.
Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream.
Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake.
Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory!
[Frank sticks Marie with the fork]
Marie Barone: Hey!
Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment.
Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house...

 

Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank?
Frank Barone: I wanted sex.

 

Ray Barone: What's going on?
Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket.
Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to.
Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill.
Robert Barone: You hit my squad car!
Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray?
Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way.

 

Frank Barone: What kind of an idiot would spend 80$ for a canoe ride?
Marie Barone: Some people think a canoe ride can be romantic.
Frank Barone: I take it, you never saw "Deliverance".

 

Ray Barone: Ok, Robert, you want to know the advantages of marriage? Fine... There's... Uh... OK! Here! Got it! You know when you fall asleep and you stop breathing? When you're married, there's always somebody there to nudge you back to life... That's not a good example. Ok...
Robert Barone: Ray-
Ray Barone: No! I got this! Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up- she's there. You come back from work- she's there. You fall asleep- she's there. You eat dinner- she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing. But, it's not.
[touches Debra's shoulder]
Ray Barone: Not- Not if it's the right person.
[pause]
Frank Barone: I'd like a minute for rebuttal.

 

Ray Barone: What do you know about it? Mom and Dad didn't return your gift. You don't know what it's like.
Robert Barone: Oh, I'm sorry. You haven't read my book, "You're in the way. The Robert Barone story"?

 

Marie Barone: I have my own opinions. I'm not just some trophy wife.
Frank Barone: Trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?

 

[Robert started hanging out with black people]
Frank Barone: I don't even understand one word you're saying anymore. Yesterday, why the hell did you call me "dog"?
Robert Barone: It's a good thing. It means I like you.
Frank Barone: I see. In that case, from this day on I'm calling you "jackass". That's also a sign of affection.
[Ray comes in]
Frank Barone: Hey, ugly.
Ray Barone: What the hell was that for?
Frank Barone: It's "Robert Talk". It means you're good-looking.
[to Marie]
Frank Barone: Hey, good-looking.

 

[Frank walks in to everybody yelling]
Frank Barone: Be quiet! Be quiet!
[Everybody quiets down.]
Frank Barone: I'm hungry.

 

Frank Barone: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray Barone: If God hasn't stopped you, the government will.

 

Frank Barone: [to Marie, while wiping her face clean] I like you better without all that crap in your face.

 

[Ray and Marie are talking about the sculpture that Marie did that looks like a vagina]
Ray Barone: It doesn't look bad.
Marie Barone: It was an accident!
Ray Barone: Well, so was penicillin. And Robert!!

 

Marie Barone: I bought tickets for the whole family to go to Italy!
Debra Barone: Me too?
Marie Barone: Of course, dear. You're family.
[Debra jumps with joy]
Robert Barone: Me too?

 

Debra Barone: I HATE THIS!
Ray Barone: I know. It's my brother, right?
Debra Barone: No, it's not your brother.
Ray Barone: Of course. It's my father...a pain in the ass!
Debra Barone: No, not your father either.
Ray Barone: Now I know. It's my mom. Come on, let's kill her.
Debra Barone: Stop it, Ray.
Ray Barone: Come on, you say that we don't do stuff together so...let's kill her and then go to the movies!

 

Ray Barone: It turns out that Allie didn't want the sex talk! She asked me why God put us on earth!
Debra Barone: So, what did you tell her?
Ray Barone: I told her heaven was too crowded.
Debra Barone: You what?
Ray Barone: And then, I faked a cold and got the hell out of there.
Debra Barone: I don't believe this! You wanted to act like a mature adult! Why didn't you stay and talk to her about it?
Ray Barone: Because I studied for the sex talk!

 

Ray Barone: Hey Nemo, what do you do if somebody's choking?
Nemo: Change the special.
Ray Barone: Thanks.

Marie Barone: We haven't had a conversation for 35 years.
Frank Barone: I didn't want to interrupt!

Best Quotes Ever