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Tommy Boy
Tommy: Son of a!
Tommy: Holy shnikies!
Tommy: I did call earlier when using the phone.
Richard: Earlier when was that?
Tommy: Or later when then I uh left a message.
Richard: A message what number did you call?
Tommy: 24 niner 5678
Richard: Cant hear you your trailing off, and did I catch a niner in there were you calling from a walkie talkie?
Tommy: No it was cordless.
Richard: Oh come on damn it! Aww that sounds good melted chocolate inside the dash that really ups the resale value.
Tommy: I think your going to be okay here they have a thin candy shell, Im surprised you didnt know that.
Richard: I think your brain has thick candy shell.
Tommy: Your brain your brains has the shell on it.
Richard: Are you talking.
Tommy: Shut up Richard.
Richard: Mr. Challehan I need you John Hancock on these reports.
Tommy: John Hancock, it's Herbie Hancock dur.
Richard: It's called reading top to bottom left to right a group words together is a sentences. Take and Tylenol for any headaches Midol for any cramps.
Tommy: Shut up Richard.
Big Tom: Tom I've asked Beverly to be my wife.
Tommy: WOW HAHAH MAN HAHAHA! What she say?
Tommy: Brother?
Paul: You must be Tommy, Im Paul.
Tommy: Brothers dont shake hands, brothers gotta hug.
Guy: Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?
Tommy: HAHAH Why?
Big Tom: So how do we look?
Richard: Chubby. Hahaha, I think thats the champagne talking.
Big Tom: Fair enough of course I could get a hell of a good look at a t-bone stake by sticking my head up a bulls ass, but I rather take the butchers word for it.
Kid 1: Hey tubo you aint movin HAHA!
Tommy: Yeah need a little wind here.
Kid 1: No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds blimp. HAHA!
Tommy: haha rascals. I guess thats your theory. So will see what happens tomorrow.
Kid 2: Hey your sail is limp, like you dick.
Tommy: Watch the language in front of the lady punk! Jeese you were saying.
Kid 2: Hey Gilagin did you eat the Skipper.
Tommy: YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF SKINNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESNT PICK UP BECAUSE ILL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN ORE UP YOUR ASS.
All Kids: Ooooo
Tommy: I hate those cheepers those kids keep interrupting us. So you were saying about...
Kid 3: Hey lady look out theres a fat whale on your bout.
Kid 2: Yeah free Willy.
Julie: LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SPAZOIDS I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE AND IVE SEEN WHERE YOU SLEEP I SREAW TO EVERYTHING HOLY THAT YOU MOTHERS WILL CRY WHEN THEY SEE WHAT IVE DONE TO YOU I was just kidding I have know idea where they live.
Tommy: That was awesome. Hahaha
Richard: Eww I can actually hear you getting fatter. What did I tell you about eating in the car anyway?
Tommy: That it's not good because it spoils you dinner.
Richard: Im going to ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.
Tommy: You're a huge embarrassing failure.
Richard: What?
Tommy: Nothing.
Tommy: Yeah but where are we gonna take the deer?
Richard: I don't know, the vet.
Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet.
Richard: Why not, take you to the vet?
Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the...
Richard: You got that?
Tommy: Shut up.
Tommy: What my associate is trying to say um...is our new brake pads are really cool...you are not even going to believe it. like um... lets say you're driving along the road with your family. and you're driving along...la li la... and there is a truck tire in the middle of the road and you hit the brakes. EEERRR! wow that was close! now lets see what happens when you are driving with the other guys brake pads. you're driving along, driving along and all of a sudden the kids are yelling from the back seat, ' i gotta go to the bathroom daddy!' 'NOT NOW DAMN IT!' TRUCK TIRE! EERRR I CANT STOP! HELP! THERE'S A CLIFF...AAAHHH! AND YOUR FAMILY IS SCREAMING, 'OH MY GOSH WE'RE BURNING ALIVE! NO! I CANT FEEL MY LEGS!' here comes the meat wagon...weoweoweo. the medic gets out and says, 'oh my gosh!' the new guy in the corner puking his guts out::uuugggghhh uuuggghhh:: All because you wanted to save a couple extra pennies haha to me it doesn't...
Man: get out! now!
Tommy: do you validate?
Man: NOW!!
Tommy: Hey I'll tell you what you can get a good look at a butchers ass by sticking you head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it.
Guy: What? I'm uh.. failing to make the connection here son.
Tommy: No I mean you can get a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a butchers ass but then no it's gotta be your bull.
Tommy: Let me tell you why I suck as a salesmen. Lets say I go into some guys office lets say he's even remotely interested in buying something well then I get all excited I'm like Joe Joe the Indian Circus Boy with a pretty new pet (the pet is my possible sale) Oh my pretty little pet I love you so I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet you're naughty and than I take my naughty pet and I go (clrrrr clrrr) Aahhh I killed it, I killed my sale. Thats when I blow it.
Tommy: He seems like a nice guy.
Richard: This is the guy trying to buy the company not to mention put you out in the streets and all you can say is he seems like a nice guy."
Tommy: haha He does.
Tommy: Richard, is this your coat HAHA?
Richard: Don't do it.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Don't.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat, Fat guy in a little coat.
Richard: Take it off dick head Im serious.
Tommy: Richard whats happening(rip) Uh Oh.
Tommy:You know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.
Tommy: I'm back. Richard, what were you doing?
Richard: Going over some documents.
Tommy:Where are they, jeese I dont see them?
Richard: They're in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza.
Tommy: They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase hmm that's a mystery. Richard, were you watching spank tradition?
Richard: Okay then lets hit it
Tommy:Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, Oh whats his name Buddy Wacket.
Richard: All right then lets get some shuteye.
Tommy: Hey that's a pretty girl down there.
Richard: Good for her.
Tommy: I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees.
Richard: Couldnt tell you.
Richard: House keeping.
Tommy: No thank you, sleeping.
Richard: House keeping?
Tommy: Come back in an hour.
Richard: House keeping you want towels?
Tommy: No towels need sleepy.
Richard: House keeping you want mint for pillow?
Tommy: NO PLEASE GO AWAY LET ME SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Richard: House keeping you want me jerk you off.
Tommy: Now what the hell kind of house keeping is this. Oh it's you.
Richard: Good morning sunshine. Hey guess what I just called Auto Tech they decided to make an order. According to my calculations that puts us over the mark.
Tommy: We did it?
Richard: We did it.
Tommy: Yes! Oh Richard Im so happy hold me.
Richard: Yikes.
Tommy: Dont run away from you feelings
Tommy: R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud, Rob you were there.
Black Sheep
Mike: Alright bunk beds. I got dibs on top.
Steve: Okay.
Mike: I'll open the fridge. You hit the lights. Bats are attracted to light. The bat flies in I'll close the door.
Steve: That's moths you idiot.
Mike: Oh yeah moths.
Mike: What happened to you? Did you fall into some mud or something?
Steve: Yeah I did, and I'm going to be rich because I'm the only person on Earth that knows where to find white mud.
Mike: I didn't say mud I said crud, did you fall into some crud or something? Why don't you get some water and wash that crud off?
Steve: Come on Mike I'm not one of your eight year olds that is gonna believe that.
Mike: Shut up Steve.
Steve: This is great I've never won 3 games in a row. I hardly ever play Checkers.
Mike: Yeah Yeah, uh it's uh kinda easy to win when you uh NEVER MOVE YOU BACK ROW! Ever! Come on!
Steve: Hey Mike, 'I got dibs on top' Ha ha.
Mike: Shut up!
Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Mike: Why don't you shut up?"
Steve: Heh heh, 'Hello Washington'. Ha ha ha.
Mike: SHUT UP!!!!!!!"
Mike: I'm just dandy, there's a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants.
Steve: We didn't have any chocolate pudding in there buddy.
Guy at Concert: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip because they may be impressed by it, asshole!!
Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the horns of a nightmare you can't even imagine!! I will dance with you inside this excited ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve: What the hell was that?
Mike: A chunk in the road or something.
Steve: I just chunked in my pants.
Mike: We've all been screwed by Governor Tracey, and now I'm gonna screw her... I mean I have evidence here that you need to know about before it's too late.
Steve: Are you or are you not the Black Angel of Death?
Motorcycle Cop: Tell me, officer, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Mike: Well, I got a 426 hemi here, 3/4 cams, nitro boosters, I can get 'er up to as good as 155! Never do, though, of course, unless I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess I was goin' about... 65, tops.
Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN! SEVEN miles an hour! And normally, when I stop people, they pull onto the *shoulder*!
Drake Sabitch: I'm not far from dragging you out of the car and beating you to dust.
Steve: You should work up to that, kinda leaves you nowhere to go.
Mike: And so he says, "Rectum? Damn near killed'em!"
Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
Mike: Meoff, Jack.
Turns to Steve and mouths: "Jack Meoff".
Billy Madison
Billy: Because it takes more than two to tango or something like that.
Billy: Shampoo is better, I go on first and clean the hair. No, conditioner is better! I leave the hair silky and smooth. Oh really? ...Quit looking at me, swan!
Billy: Here's a nice piece of shit.
Frank: Man oh man, wait until old man Clemens realize that the bag is full of shit.
Billy: He's going to shit when he realizes it is shit. Who's got the lighter?
Ted: Don't tell me my business, Devil woman. Call the fire department, this one's out of control! ...It's poop again! I'll get you damn kids for this... you're all gonna DIE!
Billy: HAHA He called the shit, poop.
Billy: No I will not make out with you! Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
Juanita: Ooh that boy's a fine piece of work all right. He's a fine piece of ass though, too!
Lunch Lady: Have some more sloppy joes! I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy!
Billy: Lady, you're scaring us!
Frank: I think Billy and his girlfriend are playing water polo.
Jack: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco!"
Frank: Polo! Man, that's a good game."
Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: 1974.
Billy: Meg Ryan.
Billy: I swear to God I'm sick! I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits!
Billy: Oh my God! I'll go to school!
Billy: Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.
Billy: Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!
Karl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.
Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.
Karl: I'm sorry.
Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Karl?
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest!
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy: YES! You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy: OOH! That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go!
Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ass, I know from experience dude. If you know what I mean.
Billy: No, you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT IT ON! WOOO-EEEE."
Billy: No they didn't.
Bus Driver: No, No, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they, eh, eh.....everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful, NO YELLING ON THE BUS!!"
Billy: Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!
Billy: It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole!
3rd Grader: How's high school?
Billy: High school is awesome! I'm learning new things and the teachers are very nice. It's great!
3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get into high school.
Billy: Don't you say that! Don't you ever say that! Stay here! Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Billy: Well, I made the duck blue because I'd never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one."
Miss Lippy: Well, I think it's a great blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.
Billy: Wow, Miss Lippy, that's great! What do you think of the Mr. Blue Duck?
Billy as Duck: That's quacktastic!
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul
Billy: A simple no would've done just fine.
Brian: remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? rock: r-o-k?
Billy: yeah, whats your point?
Frank: When I graduated from first grade, all my dad did was tell me to get a job.
Principal: Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, tramp, and I am just gonna snap.
Billy: [shouting] Where's my snack pack?!
Juanita: You got a banana, you don't need no snack pack.
O'Doyle (Grade 12): O'Doyle rules!
Billy: O'Doyle, I've got a feeling your whole family's going down.
Old Farm Lady: I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch
Billy: I am the smartest man alive!
3rd Grader: How's high school?
Billy: High school is awesome! I'm learning new things and the teachers are very nice. It's great!
3rd Grader: Gee, I can't wait till I get into high school.
Billy: [whispering] Don't you say that! Don't you ever say that! Stay here! Stay here as long as you can. For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Juanita: I thought I was your snack pack.
Billy: Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP!
3rd Grader: I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy: Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me?
Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W-
Billy: No!
Teacher: [to little girl] I'm sorry. You're wrong.
[to Billy]
Teacher: Now, you try, Billy.
Billy: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No, I'm not.
Billy: Couch. C-O-U-C-H. Couch.
Bus Driver: HEY! I'll turn this damn bus around. That'll end your PRECIOUS little field trip pretty damn quick, eh?
Happy Gilmore
Grandma: Can I trouble you for a worm glass of milk it helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up. Now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag, your in my world now grandma.
Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I wanted it to be near its family.
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? ...I didn't think so.
Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she's dead. She got hit by a car.
Happy Gilmore: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch!
Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time back-fires.
Shooter: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore: I was on this tour for one reason - money - but now I've got a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: No!
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me!
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby! Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good!
Happy Gilmore: I am good! You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher! I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK!
Happy Gilmore: Son of a bitch ball! Why can't you go home? Aren't you good enough for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass ball!
Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.
Chubbs: I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?
Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter: Oh, you can count! Good for you!
Mr. Larson: And YOU can count, on ME, waiting for YOU in the parking lot.
Virginia: What the hell is going on here
Happy Gilmore: Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh! There's some... and some more.
Happy Gilmore: You're gonna die, clown!
[An alligator eats Happy's ball]
Happy Gilmore: That Son of a Bitch! Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna.. give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.
Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the wrost. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.
Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass!
Happy Gilmore: Why don't you shut the hell up.
[During a fight with Bob Barker]
Happy Gilmore: Now your gonna get it Bobby!
Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me!!
Bob Barker: I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
Anger Management
Buddy: In Europe it's not unusual for 3 or 4 men to sleep in a bed together.
Dave: That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Buddy: Temper's the one thing you cant get rid of, by losing it.
Nate: You gotta dunk that shit! You gotta dunk that shit!
Dave: I'm not a homophobe, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-ophobe
Buddy: Can you please give me your name Mr. Head, and please don't tell me it's Dick!
Chuck: Here's my phone number.
[Dave reads it]
Dave: "I'm going to kill you bitch"??
Chuck: Oh sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
Dave: Hi, I'm glad I'm not the only one in anger management.
Bobby Knight: What? I don't need anger management! I thought this was sexaholics anonymous!
Dave: Uh, I think that's down the hall.
Bobby Knight: Oh SCREW THIS!
[throws his book across the room and stomps off]
Buddy: I'm going to need you to retard your anger.
Dave: It's retarded. I'm retarded.
Buddy: [throws a plate of eggs across the room] I SAID OVEREASY!...Now why did I do that?
Dave: Because I refused to spoon with you last night?
Mr. Deeds
Crazy Eyes: I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun.. he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.
Helicopter Pilot: You own the Jets, Deeds.
Emilio: How can I ever pay you back, Deeds?
Deeds: All I want is you're friendship, man.
Emilio: How about a billion dollars?
Deeds: Ok, that's fine too!
Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...
Emilio: I am, very very sneaky sir.
[Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]
Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.
Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before
Jan: I'm sorry all I heard was blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp.
Deeds: Bu bu bu bu bullshit!
Deeds: It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Deeds: What up, Chuck?
[Anderson raises his hand after Chuck Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them.]
Chuck Cedar: Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.
Cecil Anderson: That would explain a lot.
Deeds: What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes: I bit the mailman.
[waves hand around]
Crazy Eyes: He was doing some sort of wizard magic on me.
Deeds: You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes: [still waving hand] Not exactly, he might have been waving.
Deeds: Hey Crazy Eyes, I got your pizza just how you like it.
Crazy Eyes: French Fries and Oreos you know me too well Deeds.
Crazy Eyes: I wasn't talking to you Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel.
John McEnroe: I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool.
Deeds: Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.
John McEnroe: That I do.
Consuela Lopez: Would you like me to wipe the leaves of your fichus tree?
Crazy Eyes: Time heals all things.. except these crazy eyes.
[In burning building]
Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my cats.
Deeds: How many cats do you have?
Cat Lady: Seven.
Deeds: Holy shit! Lets get cracking.
Rev. Al Sharpton: That was freaky.
Crazy Eyes: I thought we were watching Scooby Doo!
Murph: Hey look, Deeds is hanging out with John McEnroe!
Crazy Eyes: I love The Beach Boys.
Babe: Oh, you have got to be shittin' me!
Deeds: Whoa...that's the first time I've heard you curse!
Babe: I'm that excited.
Babe: I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Westchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
Mac McGrath: Yeah right! You a virgin!
Babe: And this is my brother Denny's room.
[opens a closet door]
Babe: They didn't like my brother very much.
Liar Liar
[After sex]
Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.
Fletcher: You scratched my car!!!
Motorpool Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [indicating with his hands] Right there!
Motorpool Guy: OH... That was already there.
Fletcher: You---LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?
Motorpool Guy: what?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya?
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me.
Cop: Let's start from the top.
Fletcher: Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No. ...I have unpaid parking tickets.
Secretary: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change?
Fletcher: Yes I could.
Bum: Well, will you?
Fletcher: No.
Bum: Why not?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.
Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!
Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: And why is that, Mr. Reed?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Guy in the Washroom: What're you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?!
Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: Short, shriveled, and always to the left.
Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!
Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.
Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone VERY special.
Fletcher: No, see - that's the thing...I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.
Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck!
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!!
Fletcher: Jerry, enjoy my wife.
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
Gretta: Oh and your wife called, she wants know when you're gonna pick up Max from school.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!
Fletcher: Weight: 105, yeah, in your bra.
Dana: Your honor I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: BASTARD!!!
Fletcher: HAG!!
Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?!
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!
Fletcher: The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.
[About Mr. Allen]
Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a pathetic old fart and a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Fletcher: Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins. (Fletcher continues with every member.) You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that got killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lyme. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUT!!!
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everyone's been so nice to me.
Fletcher: Well thats cause you've got big jugs. I...I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I want to squeeze them. I...mama.
[puckers up]
Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
[the court erupts]
Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER!
Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off!
Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN, MR. REEDE!
Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: Is that true?
Fletcher: It has to be!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
Fletcher: Garage sale $6.50 marked down from $10.
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Ace: There's someone on the wing. Some thing.
Ace: And you must be the Monopoly guy.
Ace: Like a glove a
Ace: Meeting with sinister types much? A not too much, a much too much.
Ace: There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, were you saying something?
Ace: The urine stain on your pants signifies that you are a single-shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle.
Ace: Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears!
Ace: I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU!
Ace: It is the mucus that binds us.
Ace: Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger.
spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino
Ace: Pretty hot in these rhinos...
Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck
Ace: Nobody wants to play with me!
Ace: Guano bowls!! Collect the whole set..
Ace: What did he just say?
Fulton Greenwall: He said that she is not a virgin.
Ace: They can tell that?
Ace: Where iz zhe bat?
Ace: Die you bewinged spawn of Satan!
Fulton Greenwall: Bumbawe Atuna.... Bumbawe Atuna...
smiles
Ace: OK all looks good, you know, you never really know until you check things out yourself.
Fulton Greenwall: Well aren't you going to go investigate?
Ace: ITS DARK IN THERE ...I MIGHT FALL INTO A PRECIPICE!
hands him torch
gives look
Greenwall does nothing
Ace: Yes, how selfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do.
Ace: Can you feel it, Captain Compost?!
whispering
Ace: Isn't this incredible? It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go!
Ace: If you were me then I'd be you and I'd use your body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!
Saving Silverman
J.D.: Beer bong for the lady?
Judith: No.
J.D.: All right thats cool no peer pressure. Judith rules!
J.D.: Dude if you got the nachos stuck together thats one chip.
Wayne: Dude!
J.D.: Dude!
Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?
J.D.: I'm eatin'.
Wayne: So?
J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
Wayne: Since when?
J.D.: Since always.
Wayne: I never knew that.
J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
J.D.: I got three balls.
Wayne: Shut up! God!
J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!
Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
J.D.: Yes... No!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
J.D.: Which man?
Judith: Any man!
J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
Judith: Sure, whatever!
J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
Judith: What about a short man?
J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
Wayne: Our enemy is wicked, so...
J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
Wayne: Damien.
J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
Wayne: No! She's the Emperor.
J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits.
Wayne: Ok, now Sandy, that girl, she's a real nice girl.
J.D.: Ah, yeah.
Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
J.D.: Dude, a saint.
Wayne: A goddess.
J.D.: A princess.
Wayne: No what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
[making obscene gestures with his hands]
J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.
J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?
Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall-
J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember?! I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?
Sandy: Um-
J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?
Sandy: No, JD, I really-
J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls...still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
Orange County
Firefighter: What's your name?
Lance: Joe...John.
Firefighter: What is it?
Lance: Uh Joe-John.
Firefighter: Your name's Joe-John?
Lance: Johnston... Johnston Joe
Firefighter: You want to tell me what happened here?
Lance: Uh... Theres a fire I dont know I came by and I was checking out the fire.
Firefighter: Well that lady uh... Mona she said you two were in the building when the fire started.
Lance: Yeah shes a liar because I dont know her so what ever she says is a lie.
Firefighter: So your saying you werent in the building with that woman.
Lance: No not I. Alright she started it. Alright because she was all like "I hate my job! I'm gonna burn this mother down!" and I said, "You better not...you better not."
Firefighter: She said it was an electrical fire.
Lance: It was, it was a total electrical fire, it as like uh the switches had sparks comin' out and the sockets and uh... it was like the Fourth of July man.
Firefighter: Why aren't you wearing your pants Joe?
Lance: I tripped and uh I had to take them off to run faster out of the flames. (cough cough) I think I inhaled some smoke will you excuse me one second Ill be right back.
Firefighter: We have a sprinter 5 foot 5 no pants unkempt portly.
Mr. Burke: Now, when I say "Romeo and Juliet," who comes to mind?
Dana: Clare Danes?
Mr. Burke: That's right, Clare Danes. Who else?
Chad: Leonardo Di Caprio.
Mr. Burke: Right. Who else? Well, you know someone else was involved in that movie who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo Di Caprio. And his name is William Shakespeare. And some great movies have been made based on his plays: Hamlet, West Side Story, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Waterworld, Gladiator, Chocolat...
Dean Durkett: SHAUN! You're my same height that is neat.
Mrs. Cobb: You know you are screeching at me?
Shaun: Because you are a moron!!
Lance: Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?
Shaun: I have to go to college.
Cindy: Why?
Shaun: Because it's what you do after high school.
Principal Harbert: People, June is just around the corner, let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?
Shaun: Toni Morrison. She's in town that same weekend for a book signing. She's won the Nobel Prize.
Principal Harbert: Interesting... Dana, didn't you say you have a cousin who was friends with Britney Spears?
Dana: Best friends.
Chad: Hes lost his mind
Arlo: Dude, let's go get lit and jump off the roof of my house.
Chad: Now youre talking.
Shaun: Lance where is it, come on where is it, come on where is the mail. Are you sitting on it?
Lance: NAW! Dude, I see on the floor.
Lance: Push him! Shaun: Bob Im moving your chair.
Lance: Your over reacting dude, I didnt get into college and check me out. I'm kick ass!
Shaun: Your always high youre a drugged out loser. You think you're going to create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourself!
Lance: Harsh.
Shaun: Lance, I want you to stay in your room.
Lance: Why?
Shaun: Because you're an embarrassment.
Lance: OK!
Shaun: Hey guys, what's up?
Chad: Hey, what's up dude? Hey dude, check this out. Last night we're at this party, and little Arlo here, he decides to like confess his undying love to me. Did I tell ya he was a fruitcake or what?
Arlo: Bro, that's not true. This is the real story dude. Chad crashed at my house right, and I woke up in the night, he was fondling my--
Chad: Dude, I lost my keys. I was looking for 'em.
Mr. Burke: Shaun! I read your story. You used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!
Bud Brumder: If you do this to me I will eat your face!
Krista: Bud is getting so fat. You should really talk to him, he's going to have a heart attack. Plus he's fat.
Joe Dirt
Joe Dirt: Life's a garden, dig it.
Joe Dirt: Keep on, keepin' on
Joe Dirt: So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?
Kicking Wing: No.
Joe Dirt: Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz butlers, snicker bombs, church bruners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hooker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, whit or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?
Kicking Wing: No because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.
Old Cajun Man: [In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it!
Joe Dirt: What?
Old Cajun Man: Home is where you make it!
Joe Dirt: You like to see homos naked?
Old Cajun man: Home is where you make it!
Joe Dirt: Oh!
Old Cajun man: Jeese everyone knows that.
[Walks away]
Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.
Joe Dirt: You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both working and guess what? they don't like no feed back, what's up?
Joe Dirt: My name is Joe Dirte, I added an e to the end, cause it sounds cool.
Joe Dirt: There are three rules when dealing with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one; I'm number one. Rule number two; the crocks number two.
Guy at Radio Station: Did you use the one with the Scrubbing Bubbles?
Joe Dirt: They clean the bowl so you dont have to! No I didnt.
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?
Terrence: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrence: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
Phillip: Oh yeah!
Kenny just died in the hospital
Cartman: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
Kyle: It's not your fault, Cartman.
Cartman: Dude, I know, I'm just fuckin' happy I don't have to pay him.
Kyle: Oh that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck!
Terrence: Now, Phillip, did you learn something in all this?
Phillip: I did, Terrence. I learned that you're a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck-face!
they laugh
Brian Dennehy: Did someone say my name?
Stan: Who are you?
Brian Dennehy: I'm Brian Dennehy.
Kyle: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
Stan: Get the fuck out of here!
Brian Dennehy: Oh. Bye.
Demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman
Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
Cartman: Doggy.
to audience
Cartman: Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
Cartman: Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker: Alright. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's alright.
gets shocked by the V-chip
gets shocked again
Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
Cartman: No!
to audience
Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi--
gets shocked repeatedly
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you fucking jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat-ass!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big fucking deal bitch? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school councilor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you say?
picks up a megaphone
Stan: Holy shit, dude.
After student provides incorrect answer to math problem
Mr. Garrison: Ok, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard... anyone?
To Phillip
Terrence: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Newscaster: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a dumb, stupid Jew, well, I was wrong, you're not a Jew.
Kyle: Cartman, I *am* Jewish!
Cartman: There, there, don't be hard on yourself, Kyle.
Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German Scheisse video, you... you'd tell me, wouldn't you?
short pause
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?
Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.
General: Battalion #1! Step forward!
All black soldiers step forward
General: You are now ready for Operation Human Shield! Battalion #2! Step forward!
All white soldiers step forward
General: You are now ready for Operation Stay Behind The Darkies!
Chef: Didn't you ever hear about the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop!
Kyle: Let me have some more candy Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see, hmm, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need more, fat boy!
Dr. Doctor: We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.
Stan: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.
Stan: Hang on, before you do, search for the word "clitoris."
Kyle: OK, hang on... 1,830,000 pages found with the word clitoris.
singing
Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? I bet he'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold.
Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grissly bears he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair.
Stan Marsh, Kyle Broslofski: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? I'm sure he'd kick as ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me! It has stunted my vocabulary!
Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Eric Cartman, Kyle Broslofski, Stan Marsh: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.
Canadian Representative: Our government has apologized for Bryan Adams on numerous occasions!
After student provides incorrect answer to math problem
Mr. Garrison: All right, now let's hear it from someone who isn't a complete retard?
pause
Sheila Broflovski: Remember what the MPAA says; Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say ant naughty woids! That's what this war is all about!
Saddam Hussein: All this torturing people gets me *hot*!
Kyle: Hey, Mole, be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!
Cartman: Kyle, all those times I called you a stupid Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
Kyle: Yes I am, Cartman! I *am* a Jew!
Cartman: No, no, don't be so hard on yourself.
Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.
Just finished watching Terrence and Phillip's motion picture
Kyle: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
Cartman: You bet your fuckin' ass it was!
Stan: Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrence and Phillip!
Jimbo: Oh boy, miliary action, Ned, we're gonna kill us some goddam Australians!
Ned Gerblanski: I think we're fighting Canadians.
Jimbo: Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?
Stan: Listen Mr. homeless man, if you don't wanna buy us the tickets and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest.
Homeless man: Six tickets please!
Kyle: You are all just a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
Terrence: You donkey-raping shit eater!
Cartman: Hey dudes!
Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
Cartman gets shocked by the V-chip
Kyle: Awwww... Sweet!
Sheila Broslofski: Gentlemen, do you have any last words?
Phillip: Last words? How's aboot: "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?
Sheila Broslofski: Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Hey, I'm supposed to be anonymous!
Satan: The day is mine!
singing
Children: Fuck is the worst word that you can say. We shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck no!
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: I don't know.
Kyle: Close enough.
Gregory: I'm here for "la resistance."
Kyle: What's the password?
Gregory: I don't know.
Kyle: Guess.
Gregory: Uhhh...bacon.
Kyle: ...okay.
Newscaster: Is Terrance and Philip affecting America's youth? Here with that report is a midget in a bikini.
The Mole: Now, did you bring the mirror?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: Did you bring the rope?
Stan: Check!
The Mole: Did you bring the buttfor?
Stan: What's a buttfor?
The Mole: For pooping, silly.
American representative stands up and clears his throat
pause
American Representative: Fuck Canada!
Canadian Representative: Hey fuck you buddy!
Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell
Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!
Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
shocks Saddam
Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
Cartman: Dog-shit taco!
Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size...Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
Cartman: OK...not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbara Streisand!
Stan: I bet I get more candy than you.
Cartman: No way! I'm the candy-master!
Stan: No you're the ass-master, there's a difference.
Mr. Mackie: Now children, why don't you tell me where you heard these words.
Kyle: Umm...
Stan: We heard Mr. Garrison say them a few times.
Mr. Mackie: Now I find it hard to believe Mr. Garrison said "eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".
Terrence: You're an Uncle-fucker, I must say!
Phillip: Well, you fucked your Uncle yesterday!
Terrence: You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn/ You just fuck your Uncle all day long!
Kenny is falling into Hell, where he encounters the damned.
George Burns: Hey, fuckface. Have you seen Gracie?
All hyped and ready after singing a song
Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?
pause
Cinema Worker: No!
Stan: What do you mean no?
Cinema Worker: This movie is rated R, it has naughty language... Next please!
Cartman: Ahh, I didn't wanna see it anyway, the animation's all crappy.
The boys all walk down the street like cardboard cut outs
Stan: Hey, guys. Do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Kyle: The what?
Cartman: What, is that like finding Jesus or something?
Cartman: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?
Kenny's Mom: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church and then when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
pauses
Kenny: Okay
Kenny: Goodbye, you guys.
The Mole: What do you think this is kid? T.V. kiddie hour where we all stand around and lick Barney the dinosaur fucking pussy?
watching porn online
Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff.
Ike: Bullshit.
hearing Terrence and Phillip say "donkey raping shit eater"
Ike: Dopey pappy sheet eater.
Shelia Brovlovski is speaking on national television about war against Canada
Shelia Brovlovski: ...if it's war they want, it's war they'll have!
Puts up a peace sign
Cartman: This is fucking weak...
at a spelling bee
Teacher: The word is "forensics".
cheers from kids in audience
During the Uncle Fucker song
Phillip: Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker, you're a boner-biting-bastard, uncle fucker.
Stan is staring at Wendy
Cartman: Hey, you're holding up the goddamn lunch line!
Kyle: You cant die! We don't know where we are!
The Mole: You must go on...
Kyle: No, we have no fucking clue where we are!
Stan: Hey, Mole. You know where the "clitoris" is?
The Mole: Ze what?
Stan: The "clitoris." I have to have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me again.
The Mole grasps Stan
The Mole: Hey, you have to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes, because I am not going be grounded again. Not for you, not for anybody!
The Mole: If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.
Stan: What's a dying giraffe sound like?
The Mole: WUUUUUaahhh! WUUUaaaaaaahhhhh!
Big Gay Al: [singing] Bombs are flying, people are dying, children are crying, politicians are lying too. Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling, the whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?
Kyle: WUUUUaaahh! WUUUaaaaahhhhh!
Soldier: Hey, you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe's dying over there!
Canadian Representative: Our government has apologized for Bryan Adams on numerous occasions!
[American Representative laughing]
Canadian Representative: Ill five you something to cry aboot.
[After student provides incorrect answer to math problem]
Mr. Garrison: All right, now let's hear it from someone who isn't a complete retard?
Canadian Ambassador: Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? [pause] I'm finished.
Sheila Broflovski: Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!
Mr. Garrison: Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
[In bed together.]
Satan: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
Sadaam Hussein: I love you.
Terrance: You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!
Phillip: Terrance, why would you call me a pig-fucker?
Terrance: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs. Phillip: Oh yeah!
Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
[After student provides incorrect answer to math problem]
Mr. Garrison: Ok, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard... anyone?
[To Phillip]
Terrance: This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.
Brooke Shields: I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.
Stan: [singing] The sun is shining and the grass is green. / Under the three feet of snow, I mean.
Newscaster: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a dumb, stupid Jew, well, I was wrong, you're not a Jew. Kyle: Cartman, I *am* Jewish! Cartman: There, there, don't be hard on yourself, Kyle.
Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German Scheisse video, you... you'd tell me, wouldn't you? [short pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.
Cartman: Yes, that's right, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Now who wants to touch me?
Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.
Kyle: Let me have some more candy Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Let's see, hmm, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need more, fat boy!
Dr. Doctor: We accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.
Stan Marsh: But this is going to be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.
Stan Marsh: Hang on, before you do, search for the word "clitoris."
Kyle Broslofski: OK, hang on... 1,830,000 pages found with the word clitoris.
Stan Marsh: What would Brian Boitano do / If he was here right now / He'd make a plan and he'd follow through / That's what Brian Boitano would do.
Mr. Garrison: I can't wait to take leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.
Saddam Hussein: All this torturing people gets me HOT!
Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Mole, be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?
Stan Marsh: Man, that kid is fucked up!
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Old School
Frank: YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE! You're my boy.
Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
Woman: What are you doing?
Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll return him tonight, honey.
Frank: We're going streaking!
Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
Mitch: Uh the seatbelts broken. What do you suggest I do?
Taxi Cab Driver: I suggest you stop being a faggot. You're in the back seat.
Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damn it.
[calls back]
Frank: This is Frank Ricard...
Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
Spanish: Damn, I don't wanna end up workin' at Red Lobster!
Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster.
Spanish: Yea, well its part time...dick.
Beanie: Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man.
Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling.....what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
Mitch: At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'why am I holding this 30lb. Cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, 'why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?
Andy Dick: He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But thats neither here nor there.
Andy Dick: You know, when I get back there, I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis.
Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Mitch: ...all of these fucking people!
Beanie: Whoa! Whoa! Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Frank: Blue!!! Where is the fucking ice in my lemonade?
Blue: I don't know.
Frank: Drop down and give me ten.
[Two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly]
Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, pansy.
Frank: Blue! Do you trust I don't want to see you die here tonight?
Blue: Sir, yes sir.
Frank: Blue! You're my boy!
Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.
Frank: I see Blue, He look's glorious!
[after learning he's going to be expelled]
Weensie: Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.
Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.
Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you!" She showed me the knife!
Frank: A little housewarming gift.
Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.
Frank: This model?
Mitch: That exact one.
Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg!
Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?
Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?
[yank's on the mule's reigns]
Peppers: What? That's what I thought. Shut up.
[Frank cocks the gun]
Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
Frank: Cool.
Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...
[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
Peppers: YES!!! That's awesome!
Frank: What?
Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Peppers: You should pull that out.
Frank: Wait, pull what out?
Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.
Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.
Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.
Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?
Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?
Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.
Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
Marissa: That's really, loud.
Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon some juice. But it ain't exactly street legal so keep it on the down low.
Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?
Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing?
Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot.
Beanie: Put your head back on. Its very traumatic for the kids.
Spanish: I'm sorry, sir.
Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. Shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?
Andy Dick: Oh that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely ejaculates in your face. It stings. And that's now why I have a lazy eye.
Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello! What are you retarded?
Jerry: That was great.
Frank: What happened? I blacked out.
Frank: That's how you do it! That's how you debate!
Frank: Ill do one more! It tastes so good when it hits your lips.
Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.
Mitch: What situation?
Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.
Frank: I just got to run it by Marissa. I'm messing with you guys.
Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.
Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.
Frank: What do you mean?
Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we?
Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.
Beanie: What are you gonna get arrested for? Being awesome?
Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.
Beanie: Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away!
Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you.
Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.
Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.
Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.
Beanie: That's awesome.
Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.
Frank: Sorry, baby.
Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?
Gordon Pritchard: Try again.
Beanie: Jehovah Witness?
Gordon Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety!
Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.
Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.
Frank: Speak when spoken to!
Beanie: Whose life is ruined?
Mitch: Lets see. Blue's dead. Franks divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.
Beanie: Didn't we lock you in a dumpster?
Gordon Pritchard: I got out.
Frank: I had an awesome time!
Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.
Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.
Frank: All we are is dust in the wind....
Night at the Roxbury
Doug: I broke the window again.
Steve: Dads gonna be pissed.
Doug: Don't worry about Ill just tell him you did it.
Steve: But I didn't do it.
Doug: Yeah I know.
Doug: UP TOP!
Steve: VERY NICE!
Doug: OH!
Steve: WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT!
Doug: So anyways Im standing there waiting to use the pay phone.
Steve: Yeah he was seriously.
Doug: And this guy who was on the phone turns around and tipped his hat like this.
Steve: And who do you think that guy was?
Doug: Emilio Estives
Steve: The Mighty Duck man I swear to god I was there.
Doug: Of course you were you were the one that yelled the Breakfast Clubers name.
Steve: I was like EMILIO!
Both: HAHAHA!
Doug: So anyways you guys wanna make out or what.
Bouncer: Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.
Doug: We're on the list.
Bouncer: Name?
Steve: Steve and Doug Butabi.
Bouncer: You're brothers?
Doug: No...?
Steve: YES!
Doug: Man!, Works every time.
Bouncer: That's very funny.
Steve: Yea, Doug's hilarious.
Doug: Uh dad I think your confusing Steve with someone who gives a flying rats ass.
Steve: Flying rats ass? That be wild to see.
Mr. Butabi: Idiot boy go cover the cash register.
Doug: Its not a toy, its a club with a jungle theme.
Mr. Butabi: Youre a club with a jungle theme.
Doug: You can take away our phones and you can take away our keys, but you cant take our dreams.
Steve: Thats right because were like sleeping when we have them.
Doug: Later much.
Mr. Zadir: Hey who grabbed my ass? Did you grab my ass?
Dooey: No sir I did not grab your ass.
Mr. Zadir: Its okay if you did. Id understand. Its just youre barking up the wrong tree.
Mr. Zadir: Wait did you grab my ass?
Doug: No.
Mr. Zadir: Do you want to?
Doug: No. sh.should I?
Mr. Zadir: Okay continue.
Mr. Zadir: There is some good ass-grabbing going on there.
Doug: He Dooey tell your mom that I had a nice time last night.
Steve: And your dad.
Doug: What?
Steve: I mean your sister.
Doug: HAHAH Good one.
Steve: We nailed him.
Doug: Sweet.
Steve: Like candy.
Doug: Why does it taste so sweet?
Steve: Because its like candy I said.
Emily: Youre an ass Doug!
Mr. Zadir: Dooey did you just grab my ass?
Dooey: Sir from where Im standing that is a physical impossibility.
Mr. Zadir: I know your tricks Dooey.
Cambi: Steve youre a jerk off.
Steve: Well Im glad you shared that with me. Thats a big step for both of us.
Steve: You cant blame me for what happened today was just a series of random events gone era.
Doug: Well maybe they wouldnt go era if I had someone sitting next to me with a brain.
Steve: just wanna say whats up, grandma, grandpa and to the other to old people whats up, yeah you.
Steve: Emily, I used to see you outside my fathers store and then we went on some dates and you let me have sex with you. Oh Im done.
Steve: Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically.
Doug: Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island.
Steve: Thats a sweet show too.
Steve: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?
Doug: Steve, slow down.
Steve: I can't help it man, it's hottie overload!
Doug: Just pace yourself.
Steve: Ok... What's up? ...2, 3, 4. What's up? ...2, 3, 4...
Cambi: Can you believe we actually had sex with these asswads?
[trying to pick up some women]
Doug: So.......you guys wanna make out or what?
[lining up outside The Roxbury]
Doug: So.....you want to dance?
Girl: We're not in the club yet.
Doug: Right.
Steve: Oh my god, Doug! This is the most amazing place I've ever been!
Richard Grieco: Guys, guys. This is the coatroom. The club's in here.
Cambi: There you are! We got scared!
Doug: Of who, we'll kick his ass!
Cambi: No we got scared someone stole you away from us!
Doug: Oh...oh, like some other girls would steal us away.
Steve: Oh....
[getting it]
Steve: OH!!
Jay and Silent Bob: Strike Back
Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, you are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all fucking next.
Love,
Jay and Silent Bob
Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up!
Sissy: Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up, and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
Jay: I am the clit commander.
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?!
Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that.
Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker!
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you, on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis, for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Jay: Yeah.
[On "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"]
Alyssa Jones: Well, it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?"
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie.
Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, you know? They put 'em in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker!
Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in Phantoms. Yo!
Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesnt go one happy family. Alright, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans! That was them, wasn't it?
Reg Hartner: And we do want to say to the people at home, the clit is not something to be played with.
Brodie: This is the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Jay: Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizzouz!
Jay: Hi, I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-partner, Silent Bob.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch!
Jay: Hey! Get the fuck off her! That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey!
Jay: Silent Bob, We're going to Hollywood!
Jay: And for one more record, he loves the cock!
Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.
Jay: Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit! It understood us! Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more super monkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit! It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files....ROSWELL style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image! OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell!
[To Jason Biggs.]
Jay: You're the dude who fucked the pie!
Whillenholly: I don't get out to the movies that much, but "Bluntman and Chronic" was blunt-tastic!
Customer at Quick Stop: Hey, Dante, are you even supposed to be here today?
Dante Hicks: Don't get me started.
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
[Reading a message off the Internet]
Holden: Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses.
Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already!
Silent Bob: The sign on the back of the car said "Critters Of Hollywood", you dumb fuck!
Jay: Say it, don't spray it.
Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
[aside]
Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g..
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice!
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours!
Jay: Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
Chaka: Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy! And Tubby here is my black man servant! What!
Jason Biggs: See, it always comes back to the pie. No one ever says "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in "Boys and Girls".
James Van Der Beek: Come on, you stuck your dick in a pie.
Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
Chaka: Crazy crackers with guns. Its time I get my black ass out of here!
[talking about a gay wedding]
Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?
Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's the way I'd see it.
Jay: [singing] / Fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noich noich noich, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noich, noich noich / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #1: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #2: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #1: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Silent Bob: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #1: Man, that shit was so gay -- fucking eighties style.
Jason Biggs: Don't you recognize me? I'm the pie fucker!
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: In prison, you'll be the pie.
Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".
Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.
Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban! It's the new millennium! Gay, straight.... it's all the same!
[The Scooby gang are arguing amongst themselves.]
Jay: Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.
[pulls out a bag of rolled up joints]
Jay: We call them Doobie Snax!
[Fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia]
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay!
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ass?
Justice: How 'bout not.
Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
Justice: That's...a start.
Jay: Every day people hitch to Hollywood to stop studios from making films about 'em, but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker?
Jay: See you in hell, cock smoker!
Angle Jay: Oh no, don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out.
Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it! That's right! I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - Niggaz With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
Whillenholly: Oh, sweet irony.
Jay: Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
[After the "Bluntman & Chronic" premiere]
Banky: God, I'm so embarrassed.
Hooper: You should be. They took your intellectual property and turned it into one 90-minute long gay joke. It was like watching "Batman & Robin" all over again.
[Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob.]
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son! That's the ape!
Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go!
Jay: Die, you super-monkey fuck!
Whillenholly: We don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way!
Whillenholly: We may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
Brodie: And on that note, we cue the music.
Jay: Just call me Darth Balls . . . Bong!
Baby Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fucking move you little shit machine! Your mama's gonna try to score!
[Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers]
Chaka: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.
Whillenholly: Wow! That was just an incredibly daring escape!
Jay: Check out these stink nuggets!
Whillenholly: Remember, folks... stimulation of the C.L.I.T is not recommended.
Jay: Get off my Kool-Aid motherfucka!
Justice: They didn't really steal the monkey. It was just a diversion so we could steal these.
[showing a bag of stolen diamonds]
Justice: And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
Whillenholly: No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that's the myth.
[to Jay]
Brent: What's your damage, little boy?
Sheriff: The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk.
Whillenholly: Who let the cats out?
[to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine]
Brodie: This isn't a library! Hold it like you'd hold a woman!
Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal...Bong!
Jay: Eew, dude, she had 70's bush. Second rule of the road should be "Trim that shit".
Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass!
Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.
[about Jay]
Banky: Your friend's a fucking clown shoe, you know that?
Silent Bob: You know, after about five movies, I'm starting to realize that.
Whillenholly: And you, don't steal any more monkeys.
Jay: Fuck you!
Whillenholly: Fair enough.
Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two stay here, react, and don't speak.
[Points to Silent Bob]
Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.
Jay: [To Silent Bob] That was pretty funny.
[Silent Bob gets stuck in an open sewer pipe]
Jay: Just like Winnie the Pooh!
Justice: If I go to prison will you wait for me?
Jay: Hmm, I don't know. Will you fuck me when you get out?
[Justice kisses him passionatley]
Jay: Don't change the subject! Will you fuck me when you get out?
Chaka: Listen, Fucky...
Banky: Actually, it's Banky.
Chaka: No, it's Fucky.
[Walt and Steve-Dave leave the premiere of Bluntman & Chronic]
Steve-Dave Pulasti: Why can't Hollywood make a decent comic book movie?
Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell 'em Steve-Dave!
Steve-Dave Pulasti: Would you stop saying that?
Whillenholly: And might I add, that is one fine looking boy you are raising.
Jay: Hell yeah, that's because he's from my sperm! See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours that I fuck on the side so as to not be all the way gay, but my tubby husband here is 100% queer. He LOVES the cock.
Whillenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
Daphne: I think they passed out.
Fred: Great. What do we do with them now?
Shaggy: Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them to the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal --this guy
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay: will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright.
[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".
Matt Damon: Just take it from me "It's a good course."
Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
Ben Affleck: I'm sorry this is taking you away from whatever-gay-killers-on-horses-who-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-flick you're supposed to be doing this week.
Matt Damon: Oh, I'm touchy-feely? I take it you never saw Forces of Nature?
Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? First, you've gotta do the safe picture. Then you do it for art. And then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
[They both take a beat and look at the camera]
Ben Affleck: And sometimes, you go back to the well.
Matt Damon: And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.
Ben Affleck: Now that's just mean.
Randal Graves: See? I told you that restraining order was a good idea.
Jay: Well, to have all these fucks stop talking shit about us on the internet.
Banky: What do I keep telling you? There's nothing you can do about it. Unless you show up at all their houses and beat the shit out of them.
Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me?! I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall!
Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl clichés!
Missy: And two: because you're a man!
Whillenholly: Only on the outside!
Holden: Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] I said you LOVE the cock! I must be the craftiest motherfucker alive!
Jay: Man, who the fuck steals a monkey?
[Silent Bob points at the two of them]
Jay: Oh, yeah.
Randal Graves: See? If you were funnier than that, ABC wouldn't have cancelled us.
[contemplating whether to pull his dick out on Justice]
Devil Jay: [appears on his shoulder] What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up, just reach in and pull your dick out! Girls like that shit!
[a second devil pops in on Jay's other shoulder]
Devil Jay 2: Right about here is where the angel is supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out. But we BITCH-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing. So it's smooth sailing from here. Let 'er rip, boy!
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails...whores bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's your father!
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?
Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!
Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Scott Evil: It's no hassle--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would--
Dr. Evil: Sh! ...Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But--
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?
[Holding his cat, "Mr. Bigglesworth."]
Dr. Evil: That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!
Austin Powers: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
[Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him.]
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers.
Vanessa Kensington: Austin, I think I was paranoid about you and Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: No, you're right I nailed the bird.
Vanessa Kensington: Did you used protection ?
Austin Powers: Yeah, I had my 9mm with me.
Vanessa Kensington: No, I mean a condom.
Austin Powers: Only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars go from port to port.
Dr. Evil: There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
[Dr. Evil has left Austin and Vanessa to their doom.]
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No, no, no. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. ...What?
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily like his old man.
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms.
[Filling out a form.]
Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.
[Entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]
Austin Powers: This is my happening and it freaks me out!
[c.f. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)]
Austin Powers: Judo chop!
[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated.]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.
Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil -
Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, what do I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: Sea bass?
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.
Austin Powers: That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!
Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Austin Powers: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
Austin Powers: Does that make you HORNY?
Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.
Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism!
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard.
Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
Tourist: Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!
[Not meaning to speak this thought out loud:]
Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx.
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
Basil Exposition: What's the other?
Austin Powers: Excuse me?
Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
Austin Powers: No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her!
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.
Austin Powers: Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
Austin Powers: You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!
Austin Powers: It's freedom, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.
Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.
Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
Texan: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.
Texan: Oh... sorry.
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um...never mind!
Dr. Evil: Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.
Austin Powers: Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.
Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.
[To Austin]
Casino Dealer: 5.
Austin Powers: I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
[Austin Powers is drowning a man in the toilet.]
Austin Powers: Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that's it! You show that turd who's boss.
[Looking at the man that Austin Powers had drowned and left in the toilet]
Cowboy: Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?
Austin Powers: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.
Austin Powers: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.
Dr. Evil: I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you're grounded. Let's begin.
Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me
Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn
Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
Austin Powers: My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.
[Austin tries to resist to Fembots]
Austin Powers: [muttering] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
[One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs]
Austin Powers: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! [Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom]
Austin Powers: Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see...
[Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind]
Austin Powers: ...anything at all.
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